The Monster in us
The monster in us is our broken parts
It is also our God parts.
If God is omniscient, omnipresent, everywhere and nowhere then all of this is God.
I prefer to believe that. I choose to believe that and that I do have a choice in what I choose to believe.
Its called free will.
I spent almost all of my twenties living the life of an ultra orthdox Jew. Some people (a large number probably) would have referred to me in those days as an extremist.
I carry many lessons from that time, many broken parts and many scars and of course there is also beauty.
On that journey I came face to face with some challenging ideas - the jews as Gods chosen people, the jew having a soul different to a non jew, Abraham's sacrifice of his son Isaac, the commandment to obliterate all of Amalek, every man woman and child, and all of Gods personal favours to the Jews from granting them Israel as their homeland to the Parah Adumah, the red heifer and sacrifices on the temple mount.
One of the concepts I was taught was the idea of Tsim Tsum, God, essentially contracting a piece of itself in order to create the other, mankind, something separate from itself so that it had something that could recognise its existence.
That which is not God.
Mostly for me there is nothing about that idea that is liberating.
I contrast it with walking around with an idea that we are all God, all intertwined, interconnected, as one.
As One, there might be a cancer that needs to be cut out but the approach to what is the cancer is done with humility and curiousity as is how best to deal with the cancer.
There is a man who has been in my life for the past 8 years. When he first came into my life he brought me a victory and caused harm to others. It was a shallow victory. There was financial compensation, a significant deposit into my account but nothing more.
I also felt right, vindicated and even a little untouchable but I did not enjoy the victory. It was harrowing.
In the past few years that man has turned from ally to benevolent dictator, ruthless, calculated, without regard for me or my family. I am to him merely a play thing or simply a thing.
We are intertwined he and I and he holds the strings.
When I personalise his actions, see them in a narrow context then they are very painful.
The consequences of his actions can be far reaching because they touch my family and my children specifically.
Holding that and carrying that takes something but what I teach men is the cultivation of capacity so what a great blessing he is.
He is the man who forced me to confront myself, who forced me to break, totally break, physically and mentally and then rebuild myself, painstakingly, piece by piece.
In that rebuilding process I got to take myself on in a whole new way. I stepped away from theory and dropped into the practice. I got to see what is really important and where I really want to put my time. I got to deepen my meditation practice and to see that it and my other pillar practices are literally my pillars.
I have got to confront God over and over again.
Sometimes it all feels like a game because it is a game. It is a long game. It is a game that requires context, conviction, perspective, curiosity and resilience.
He is never far away, just when I think I have healed, don’t need him or am rid of his impact then there he is. Just when I think we are friends, a team and allies then there he is, ripping the carpet out from under me without batting an eyelid.
In the past, when he did that the pain was as overwhelming and all encompassing as it was paralysing.
Now i have learned to take it more in stride, see the lessons, see the response, keep it in perspective and respond with right action.
All of it arms me with valuable life experience and so as I sat with the men last week they acknowledged me and my Brothers, Jason and Brett as emerging elders, as modern elders.
We are men who have learned that it is our broken parts that make us whole and complete. It is our broken parts that give us capacity and perspective. It is poor broken parts that give us humility and compassion.
It is our broken parts that are the gift
And so to this man I say thank you for all the lessons. Thank you for all that you have shown me and taught me.
Thank you for the gift that you and I and all are God