Joseph Campbell is probably the go to when it comes the “Hero’s Journey” and he definitely was that for me. I probably read his work sometime in my mid twenties. I read prolifically in those days and consumed tons of books in numerous genres.
Moving consciously through life and having a context for the symbolism of an experience and its potential learnings is a gift that Campbell provided.
While Campbell uses Greek Mythology as his reference he points out that these life journey’s exist across culture and religions - Moses and his 40 days and nights on Mount Sinai, Jesus and his 40 days in the desert, Buddah under the Bodhi tree etc
And so I have been brought to this place and it is not lost on me where I have arrived and that this is both a necessity and a gift.
I am so fortunate to have a wife who sees it and supports it and so while it challenges her and her capacity as mother, wife and bread winner she also knows that this is a journey that I need to go on if I wish to truly be the man I need to be in the world.
Again it is not lost on me that I am seen as a leader, seen as powerful, seen as a force of change, and someone who can have a significant impact. I just need to do it with absolute conviction, in its time and with integrity.
From where I stand I feel like we go through the Hero’s Journey twice perhaps three times (I am not yet at the third). The first is as a young idealist adult - somewhere between the ages of 19 and 28. That hero’s journey is the journey of the child and the beginning of the journey into adulthood.
The second I believe happens in our mid 30’s to our late 40’s.
I was presented with the opportunity to go on this journey many years ago and I did not take it. I remember one particular moment with absolute clarity. I had separated from Leroy’s Mother. He was two years old. I was devastated. My nuclear family had died. My dream of family had been obliterated. I was the left and not the leaver so my power had been completely taken away. My business started to suffer almost immediately. I lost my home and I moved in with my brother.
A few months later when everything had well and truly collapsed I got a unique opportunity and absolute gift. One of my personal training clients had purchased a multi million dollar home in Carrara road Vaucluse. The house had private beach access was adjacent to a reserve and looked directly at the beach and opera house. To put it in perspective, the Murdochs (news media and Fox) lived two doors away.
Their plan was to demolish and rebuild but for insurance purposes they needed somebody to stay in the house. They gave it to me for $380 per week.
Back to the symbolic moment that I remember - it was an afternoon, a Saturday or Sunday. I had just finished unpacking my furniture and was alone in the house for the first time. The sun was just setting with the Harbour bridge and opera house the perfect backdrop. As I stared at the setting sun through an enormous plate glass window and settled into the embrace of the sofa I had a thought. “This is my time to heal. This is my time to walk on the beach, to reflect, to gain knowledge and perspective, to write, to journalise, to rest and to rebuild. To learn how to be alone, to stand alone and grow”.
I imagined myself as Steinbeck with my thick moth eaten jumper walking the beach, barefoot and head down. Healing with each step that I took
I did not take that opportunity.
Instead I did two things that fundamentally did not serve me. The first was to go straight back into relationship and seek the familiar of female companionship. The second was to do Landmarks 6 month leadership program called ILP. It is the pinnacle bootcamp course in the Landmark curriculum calling participants to go well beyond what they think is possible.
And so the opportunity was lost because I went hard, because I did not stop. Because I did not do all the things that I knew that day that I needed to do.
Once again at a later date everything imploded and following a highpoint in July - Sep 2013 which included a trip to Bolivia to visit a charity that I/we evolution had set up and a road trip around the USA and Canada with my oldest son Leroy the chasm opened.
Is started with the sudden passing of my brother in November 2013 and has continued since. The events have been many and varied and interspersed with some incredible moments as well which include the birth of my daughter Mackenzie (a week after we buried Gary) And Stevie May in Dec 2018, purchasing a beautiful home in Avalon, launching YBells, holidaying in Isle Mujeres, and on it goes.
If the fall into the chasm was on a rope with a thousand strands then the final strand broke when I injured myself on the 22nd of June moving my motorbike.
And now broken and in the desert I realise that I once again am being presented with the opportunity and all the distractions and reasons not to do it.
This time I am being supported by my wife and a network of men. I also have insurance to support me financially with some of my overheads and an opportunity to alleviate stress by selling some YBell shares. I once again am living next to the beach and have this gift to traverse this desert and be welcomed should I make the journey into this next stage of adulthood.
There are many distractions that could appear as support and many versions of what was the landmark course or the companionship that was a crutch.
And so I will tread with awareness but what will my reference be ?
The First it is to be grounded and to have the practices that create, support and nurture the groundedness.
Those grounding practices are
1: The creation of a purpose statement that is referenced at least 3 times per week and is a guide in my life not a document that I look at once per year
2: Meditation and stillness twice per day that is integrated with my course in miracles work
3: Movement (at the moment in a very limited capacity) 3 times per week. Ultimately all 3 will be at sunrise but right now, for the moment at least one of them will be (though even as I write this I think to myself that a walk 3 times a week at sunrise with a sit and my purpose document is the movement)
4: gratitude practice twice per week for 11 minutes acknowledging people in my world
5: Referring to my 22 things list that I am committed to for the next 12 months one of which is writing twice a week for 90 minutes at a time - in the form of blogs, posts or journalling
6: Mens group work which at the moment includes a formal fortnightly get together with my men which has been happening for over 10 years and my informal mens group (and Nat) who meet each saturday after the MMM sit and MMM movement session
Those can be considered the rocks, the grounding practices. The things that will support who I am as a man and my way of being. They may become my healing and my foundation and then the springboard for who I can be as a man and in this world.
A distraction or a healing has also arisen in that context that i think is really useful to share.
Following my recent post on social media re my mental health challenges a contemporary who I grew up with in South Africa reached out.
He is clearly a very well qualified psychologist. He took the time to send me his very detailed assessment of me and it was incredibly insightful and absolutely bang on.
He suggested that medication could offer me a potential solution.
To quote him “In your case, your drive to meaning, cannot be masked. You cannot just “accept” or “adjust” to norms. You are inquisitive and won’t accept things at face value. You challenge. You live a life predicated upon an unfolding and emerging discovery of purpose. You cannot mask reality. You confront the ongoing “agony” of never being fully satiated with answers.
At the end of the day, the decision to try out meds is personal. You need to critically evaluate whether you are willing to test the waters. Ask yourself what you have to lose. You will only understand the possible gain if you take that step. Ask yourself whether the reasons (against meds) you cited in your message to me are a “justification” to avoid a so-called “crutch”. You can continue on your journey - it’s one helluva journey.
Either way - you can take comfort in the realization that people like you transcend the psychological machinery we have in place. It comes at a price but you need to decide if it’s worth that. If you truly honest with yourself, you will make the right decision, undoubtedly.
A distraction or a support. Could it be the water that will enable me to cross the desert or is it the scorpion with the lethal sting.
This is what I want to uncover and share in my own journey and while I am open to being a “guinea pig” I am clear that what this is about for me is my own growth and not being a social experiment
For now I have completed my writing for today and now I will head to the beach to do my sit and feel the healing balm of the sea air on my face.
Today, for this moment, right now I have capacity.